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09:59pm 12/07/2007
  I ran into him tonight.

By him, I mean Bart, obviously. It was...difficult, seeing him after so long. I thought it wouldn't hurt as much as it did. How stupid was I. It hurt like hell. Seeing the person I basically threw away because I could not control my own urges and feelings. He's a reminder of how different I am now, how much I've changed in a mere few months.

Yet, I can't help but wonder what he expected. Did he honestly think I would ignore him completely, as we were standing right next to each other? I can't change what happened between us or our lack of communication after the breakup. I had figured he would choose when he wanted to see me again; evidently I was wrong. Again. I guess I can't make any proper decisions when it comes to Bart. Maybe our breakup was for the better, since all I manage to do is screw things up even more.

I can't change what happened. I can't change the past. Whoever I am now is the person I need to be. Even if sometimes I admit I don't even like the person I am now. But its keeping my mother happy. My sisters now have a better home environment then they have in the past year. And Greer and all of the other girls understand the importance of social standing and can usually convince me of it. This person I am keeps the peace; what reason would I have to change that?		  
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12:28pm 04/05/2007
  I've skipped school twice this year; the first because I was too upset and ashamed that I let myself lose control and sleep with Bart. The second time, now, because I once again lost control and kissed someone else and then breaking up with Bart. I went to school yesterday but today...the more that time passes, the worse I feel. And I just needed a day away from everyone.

I ruined a wonderful relationship. I not only lost a boyfriend but I'm pretty sure I lost a friend as well. Even though we were never 'officially' friends, there were a pretty long time between the hating each other and dating when Bart and I spent time together. And I gave everything up just because I have this incredibly stupid desire to always be needed. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just enjoy what I have and not have a desire to constantly be needed?

I know he hates me; I deserve it. After all of the wonderful things he's done, after all the support he's given me, I pay him back by kissing someone else. By not pulling away from Ross immediately. I responded to him and part of me really liked it, before my sensible side came back and I pulled away, told him I had a boyfriend, and left. But it doesn't even remotely excuse what I did. I was supposed to be as perfect to Bart as he was to me.

I'll never be able to make it up to him but maybe there's a way to make it up to myself. From now on, I have to be the perfect sister to Tiffany and Maria, who I haven't spent as much time with, a perfect daughter to my mom, who maybe if I had been around more or nicer to her would never have spiraled the way she had, perfect friend to my friends, whatever ones I have left. Everyone has moved on with their lives and I've just been left behind because I slacked off. Kristy probably hates me. Anna has moved on and seems happy with the life she has now. Greer and the girls still talk to me but we don't hang out like we used to. Nobody has room for me in their lives; and I'm the one that caused that. I have to accept that and go on with my life. I have to be better to everyone and treat everyone a little better than I have.

Because I really screwed up. And even though I can never fix that, at least I can try to be a better person. To everyone.		  
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11:57pm 30/04/2007
  It's been quite a month, though I still feel like I've drifted away from everyone. I know that I have been incredibly busy with all my activities and such, but I still feel like I haven't done enough to reconnect with people. Anna and I did end up meeting up and talking but it wasn't the same. I don't think it will ever be the same, unfortunately. I do think we'll always be friends but we won't be as close as we used to be. It makes me slightly wistful for earlier this year, even if I have enjoyed most of everything that has happened during the last couple of months. Sometimes I just don't feel like I have any really close friends. And I miss that.

Speaking of missing, even though I'm quite impressed and proud of how much Bart has recovered from his injury...I kind of feel like he doesn't need me as much anymore. He needed a great deal of support during this entire ordeal, from me, Dori, and his family. Now that he's recovering, I guess I just don't feel as needed anymore. Maybe it sounds silly. But I can't brush away the slight feeling that I'm just not as necessary anymore. Maybe I'm overthinking things. It is entirely possible, as it has been something I've done before. I just need to enjoy what I have and not overthink like I usually do. I can do that. I hope.		  
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10:01pm 27/03/2007
  It's been awhile since Tiff and I have really had time to talk, but both of us were actually free this afternoon and spent a good portion of it just talking. I love being able to catch up with her, since both of us have such different lives right now; I'm involved, as usual, with a variety of activities and she is really concentrating on volunteering at the hospital and with her new clubs at school. I'm so happy that she's having such a great time with both. She said that volunteering was the best decision she's made in awhile and I'm pretty sure it's rivaling her interest in gardening. Coupled with the new club she's started to participate in, she's more out-going then I think I've ever seen her. I'm so proud of how much she's blossomed. I know our family life has been pretty difficult these last couple of months, but it looks like she's taken the initiative to make her life better.

She did add, though, how much she missed some of her old friends. I must have missed things because of how involved I've been, but I guess some of her people she used to hang out with have just dropped her. Stopped taking her calls, made excuses not to see her, broke promises...all kinds of things that I just want to hurt them for. She deserves better than a lot of her so called friends. She is a great person and an incredible sister; she deserves better than any of the old friends and crushes she used to hang out with. I know she has a sliver of hope that they'll come back to her, but...I'm not too sure. I don't know if I want her to be friends with people who just abandon her when something better comes around.

Even so, I'm glad we were able to talk. I've mentioned it before, but I know I have drifted from all of my friends and my family. Maybe talking to Tiff and hanging out with her is my first step is starting to hang out with my friends again. Because I really miss all of them. A lot.		  
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11:40pm 18/03/2007
  Even if my birthday didn't go quite as I expected it to be, it was still a lot of fun. In all honesty, I had at least expected Bart to be able to go out with me and have fun but...I guess it just wasn't meant to be. His surprise at the hospital was incredibly sweet, though, and I know how much it bothered him that he wasn't able to do anything.

And even if he couldn't join me for my birthday party itself, I ended up having a great time with Greer, Polly, Meg, and Lauren. I really haven't spent a lot of time with them lately and I do appreciate that they didn't hold it against me. In fact, I've been so into both dating someone and all my normal activities (plus the extras) that I have been neglecting all of my friends, including Anna and Kristy. I don't know why I keep getting myself into my activities so much that I sometimes forget I have other people in my life. That's been a promise I've never been able to keep. I know I'll continue trying to force myself to remember my other friends. I miss hanging out with them.

I also have to figure out what in the world is going on with my mom. She's been getting worse lately with her push for me to get involved in 'our' part of society. I thought she was starting to go back to what she used to be like; supportive of both myself and my sisters, interesting in us as her daughters, not pawns in the games of upper society. I guess I was wrong. And I don't know what else to do.		  
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Summing up   
10:31pm 28/02/2007
  Note to self: after the book drive at the library, stop joining new activities.

I find it amazing that for the first time in my life I actually have a boyfriend yet am spending less time with him then I would a regular friend. Though is it wrong of me to admit that I really do like the sex? I'm blushing just writing that. But...it's fun. But I still think I should start working on spending more time with him because that really isn't fair to him. And part of me is selfish and actually wants to spend more time with him, even if it means cutting some other activities I don't participate in as much. As long as it doesn't cut into the time I spend with Tiff and Maria.

Speaking of which, I'm starting to worry a little bit about Tiff. She's been spending a lot of time with one of the guys form her TI club at school; he's a nice guy but...I can't help but worry. Though, if it turns out they start dating? I think it would be good for her. I know she feels kind of antisocial sometimes and unable to connect to people. Maybe it would be good for her.

At least it would get her out of the house; mom has been acting kind of odd lately. I know she isn't drinking but she's been pretty gung ho about all of the society functions and her place in society. I'm not sure where this sudden concern is coming from, considering the fact she was recently thought of as the social drunk. I honestly am not sure I like this new facet that she has grabbed onto, since I know she'll start wanting me to attend more events, something I dread. I hate that within this social circle, there is an expectation of meeting certain criteria in order to be deemed one of the elite. I don't particularly enjoy useless small talk in that particular setting, since most of the time it merely boils down to who is more materialistic than someone else. What makes that enjoyable? Nothing I can think of. I hope mom doesn't force me to start attending those events; I honestly don't think I would.		  
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Moving On Up   
11:13pm 28/01/2007
  It's almost a month into the new year and already everything is much different than I expected. Among them are the fact that I am hanging out with Bart Taylor, while at the same time being friends with Kristy, my family slowly healing itself, and Tiff being more outgoing. And me being not as stressed about school.

I never would have expected any of that being possible, considering how terrible things were just a couple of months ago. How things change.

I am really proud of Tiff, though. Even though the situation with mom was utterly terrible, it seems like something good did come out of it. Tiff is now volunteering at the hospital a couple of days a week and is part of this group at school called Teen Institute. It's basically for teens that want to have a good time and hang out without using drugs or alcohol. I think mom really scared her off drinking, which is another good thing that came out of the situation. And Tiff seems a lot happier. I'm glad she's finally having more fun. She deserves it.

Considering how different the beginning of the year has been, I wonder what the rest of it will bring. Will I get into Yale? I know I have the grades for it, but I can't help but worry. What if people are just as good as me? Or better? What if I don't make the cut? It's been my dream to go there and I hope I get it. I guess I'll be waiting until April in anticipation. Hopefully, at the beginnning of next year, I'll be hanging out as a Yale college coed.		  
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Can we rest?   
01:19am 07/12/2006
  Up until now, I thought things with mom couldn't get any worse. That everything was so bad, that it would either stay that way or get better.

Was I wrong.

I'm still avoiding the spot by the stairs where mom fell. I just...I keep remembering what she looked like at the bottom of the stairs. Broken. And yet, I can't believe how lucky she was that she didn't break her neck or crack her head open or anything major like that. I don't know if she realizes how lucky she is. She's still sitting up in her room, refusing to come down. Maybe she's ashamed. Or upset. Or in shock. Or...something. I'm too tired to care anymore. Everyone is right; I'm too young to be trying to run a household. I can't keep trying to or else I will break down. I just want a break from all of it. I want to feel like a normal teenager. Is that too much to ask?

But even with my family, I'm really lucky to have such great friends. Kristy was so incredible that night. Letting me fall apart when I needed to...I honestly don't know how to thank her, even though I know that I have. Even with everything we've gone through the last couple of months, I know that I can still count on her. And I am so incredibly grateful for that. Because after everything that has happened with Bart...I was really afraid that I'd lost her as a friend. And I never want that to happen.

Speaking of Bart...yeah. I think I like him.

There, I said it. I admitted it. But it doesn't matter. At least, I don't think it does. I have to talk to someone about this. Maybe Anna. Even though I know her feelings on Bart, she'll be supportive and maybe a little helpful.

But I have to start going over my lines again for the Winter One Acts. Hopefully I'll be ready for them in time. Because I'm starting to get a little nervous about being on stage again. Here's hoping it goes well.		  
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These walls are closing in on me   
09:18pm 20/11/2006
  So. I'm back home.

And it isn't as comforting as I thought it would be.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that I'm back in my own house, back in my own room, with my sisters again. In that regard, I am very happy that I'm back.

But...I feel like all the stress I was able to let go of the last couple weeks has been placed back onto my shoulders. I feel like I'm expected to take care of my sisters, help my mom get...help, and be there for my dad all at that same time. As well as being the perfect student and being a better friend. And none of them will be happy with what I end up doing; no matter what I do, someone will be unhappy. Which just means that I end up failing.

I'm not keeping up with my promise to watch out for myself. I can't. There's too many other people that need me watching out for them.

At least the One Acts will be able to take my mind away from all of this. I'm not sure how I feel about playing a lesbian, but I think it'll be a good acting experience. Especially since I was able to convince Polly that she would be the better 'society woman' than I would.

I don't think I'd be able to handle something like that. Especially when, even though my parents aren't worried about it as much, the pressure to know my place on the social ladder is still there. Especially when dad mentioned to me the other day how good it was for me to go to the country club with him. How it helps to set a good examples. I can't believe he's still worried about setting a good example after everything he and mom did. It's not like people don't know. But I can try to do what I can to make things easier for him. I know he appreciates it.		  
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I walk alone   
02:50pm 30/10/2006
  I'm tired.

Not physically, since right now I'm wide awake and ready to move onto my next activity. I'm just completely mentally exhausted. I've been trying so hard to keep my family civil and it turns out that it was useless. We can't be civil until mom stops drinking and starts being a mother again and until Tiff stops hating dad.

And I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be selfish, but I can't do this alone. I need someone else's support right now, someone else in the family to step up. Tiff tries, but I know she's still angry at dad. And Maria is way too young. Dad tries with us, but he and mom still argue as bad as they did before the separation. And mom....mom is an alcoholic. I've been the piece holding this family in a somewhat stable position and I can't do it anymore. I can't take my own mom accusing me of things she has no idea about.

I wish I could talk to Anna about this, but part of me keeps holding back. Anna is great at listening but...I don't want anyone else to know how bad it really is with my family. Greer and the girls never press me at all, and I honestly don't think they know what to do to deal with it. So I don't talk about it much with them. I can't really talk to anyone about it.

Except, evidentally, Bart. Which confuses me. I think it's because through the grapevine, he's heard about my parents' relationship. And has probably seen my mom drinking, since I know she used to come back drunk from all those high society events. I just don't understand why he cares. I mean, back in the day I wouldn't have been surprised but now...I just thought he had changed too much. Maybe I was wrong. I've been wrong about a few things lately.

I still haven't talked to Kristy. It's been over a week, and I haven't talked to her. Partly it's because after the fight with mom, I forgot. I was too upset that everything else disappeared from my mind. But I know I have to talk with her soon. Well, try, at least. I don't think she understands that I have to talk to Bart, even if I don't know if we really are friends are not. I have to understand why I did what I did; I just don't know if Kristy can't understand that. Or accept it.

At the moment, I don't care anymore. I'm too worn out by being expected to deal with everything a certain way. I'm going to be selfish, for once, and go to a Halloween party with someone my friend hates. And drink, like my mom hates. And be a bad influence. For, really, once in my life. It's not like I'm going to let my schoolwork and activities slip.

I just can't deal with being the one person that holds the family together. I can't do it alone anymore. Even if it means what arrangement we have falls apart.		  
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11:09pm 17/10/2006
  Sometimes I hate people. I really do, once in awhile. Especially when they're idiots at school who still have nothing better to do than gossip about other people's lives. Including mine.

And I think that Kevin is the kind of guy that I thought Bart was. A completely uncaring, unfeeling, jackass. While Bart has some redeeming qualities, Kevin doesn't have any. All he seems to care about are making fun of other people, hitting on women, and partying. That's it.

I overheard him talking to another guy on the football team today; he was talking about me and how I would be too afraid to show up at Greer's Halloween party because of what happened. Because I would be too worried about what people thought of me now that I had been "exposed" as a slut. I am going to prove him wrong. I am not afraid to go to Greer's party. I will do everything possible to show that I am not afraid of idiots like him.

Speaking of being unafraid, I am actually going to go to a Homecoming dance this year. Not the one at SDS, but the one at SHS with Kristy and Cary, of all people. The same guy that ended up on my front lawn, drunk, serenading me accidentally. That's going to make things...interesting. But I think I'll have a good time. I am a little worried about seeing Bart there. I hope everything will be okay. I just want to have a good time at my last high school Homecoming Dance. That's not too much to ask, is it?

And Bart still confuses me. Just when I think I understand him, something else pops up that surprises me. Will I ever really understand him? Or is he just meant to confuse me? I hope it's the former instead of the latter. Because I really don't like not understanding things.		  
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Oh, what a world, what a world.   
09:16pm 28/09/2006
  Things at school are slowly calming down, finally. I didn't realize that people would be so obsessed with someone else's sex life; don't they have anything else to do other than gossip?? I don't understand people like that. Maybe they just all need to talk about someone else's life because their own lives aren't as fulfilling.

Hmmm...maybe that last comment was a little much.

But considering I know the only reason people aren't talking about me much anymore is because they know that Greer will ban them from her parties if they keep gossiping (which they really don't want, since her parties are considered to be the best), I don't really feel to bad about it. Though, at least they aren't talking about it to my face anymore. That's nice, at least.

Tiffany and I are talking again, which is definitely good. Yet, though I'll never tell her, I am still upset with the way she reacted. I can completely understand being upset with me and trying to get back at me, but her post on the boards seemed a bit much. And part of me wants to yell at her for that. I know I never will, but the thought will probably stay in my head for awhile. Just another thing I have to push back in order to keep a semblence of family peace.

Speaking of which, I'm happy that dad is actually trying. I mean, the food he's making is kinda of unappetizing sometimes, but he's actually making an effort. Unlike mom, who is happy with her alcohol and going out with her friends. Has she forgotten that she has kids at home? Does she even care anymore? I thought both of them had agreed that the divorce was the best idea. Maybe she just can't handle it. Even so, I'm tired of giving her the benefit of the doubt. I'm ready just to give up on her and focus on Tiff and Maria. They need me more than mom does.

And, even though I know I'm busy, I think I'm going to audition for the Winter One Acts in December. I know that is definitely a ways from now, but I want to double check and make sure to leave some time open for those. I used to do plays in eighth grade and I kind of miss the acting. Maybe because it gave me the chance to be someone else for a change; someone who didn't have as many things to worry about as I do. I kind of missing that feeling and wish I could have that back every now and then.

Speaking of someone else, I guess the SHS elections are tomorrow. And I know this is probably ridiculous, but I know I'll feel bad if Bart loses. I regret what I posted on the boards, because I did break a promise. And even though he was a jerk, I hate doing that. Maybe I'll email him if he loses. To apologize.

I really am insane.		  
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Complicated   
06:55pm 20/09/2006
  It's been two days.

Two long, eventful, difficult days since I lost my virginity. To Bart Taylor.

There are words I didn't think I'd would ever be writing. Especially since I never thought I would have sex with someone I wasn't dating, who I didn't even like. Up until two days ago, I hated Bart Taylor.

Now, I don't know how I feel about him.

I still think he's an asshole, because of everything that he's done to Kristy and to a lot of other girls. For flirting with chicks and expecting them to give it up. But...I don't know if I hate him anymore.

Maybe it's more that I don't understand him like I thought I did. He actually seems worried about me, about how I'm doing since that night. I didn't expect that from him. After I got home and thought about what we'd done, I thought he would be a jerk and treat me like I've seen him treat a lot of people. I kind of expected him to be the one to post it on the boards or something like that. But he didn't. And I just don't get that.

Though, now a part of me understands people like Greer who hooking up with him. I mean, it hurt at first. I expected that; Greer and Polly talked all about their first times nonstop. I didn't expect to enjoy it as much as I did. Bart was so concerned, making sure that I was comfortable, warning me, help me...prepare for it. I can definitely see why Greer keeps going back, why Kristy enjoyed it so much...he was good. Incredible.

Which is why I'm so confused...I liked it. I wanted it. And part of me wants to do it again. With Bart. Even though I still kind of hate him.

I don't make sense anymore. All I know is that I will not have sex for awhile. It's going to take me a long time to deal with everything, especially since every freaking person in this town knows what I did. And I don't want to have sex again until it's all dealt with. Hopefully by then, I'll be at Yale (I hope) and won't have to worry about the gossip.

I just hope I can patch things up with Tiff. And even though I understand her, I'm also really upset with her right now. I know she's mad, upset, and hurt but...to tell everyone? And for some of it not to be true at all? I think I'll just avoid her for the next couple of days. Who knows what else she'll say if I provoke her.

I don't want to have to deal with something new.

Maybe this is selfish, but I have other things to deal with. Sending out the rest of my college applications. Seeing my friends a lot before graduation. Accept everything that has happened and be fine with it. Try not to let my family fall completely apart. Deal with the aftermath of having sex and having everyone in my school know. Even the teachers - one of whom treated me differently today. That hurt more than Kevin calling me a frigid bitch. Maybe I should talk to Greer soon. She did stand up for me, after all. And she might be able to help me understand my mixed up feelings.

Life suddenly got a lot more complicated.		  
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08:47am 19/09/2006
  Oh God.

What have I done?		  
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Ugh   
12:16am 10/09/2006
  I can't believe Tiffany. How many days has she skipped out on Dad now? I think I've lost count. He's already begun to think that she's skipping on purpose, and even though he doesn't say, I know it bothers him. Why doesn't she get that?

I sent an email asking her to try to see Dad more often. I don't know how she's going to respond. I never really know with her. Sometimes, it's hard to believe we're sisters - we get along so well one moment and the next we're arguing. Sigh. I feel like I'm always the peacemaker in this family. And I can't stop being it, because if I'm not, who will?

I don't even want to imagine what would happen if I stopped.		  
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I firmly resolve...   
01:15am 08/09/2006
  To update this more often. It's amazing how I am able to stay on top of all the activities in my life, yet I am a slacker when it comes to this. From now on, I will make sure to update as often as possible; getting into a set routine will only help keep my schedule straight.

Speaking of schedule, I bought a daily planner today, one that will give me plenty of space to write in all my activities. And the planner will be well hidden from my sisters, in case they decide to start another 'sister war' again. I can't wait to start filling it out, since the more activities I'm a part of, the more I can put on my resume. Plus, I really enjoy everything I do. I can't imagine having to give anything up.

I have decided to keep working at Maureen's during the school year, as well as continue my yoga classes with Anna and Emily. Speaking of Emily, I'm really glad that I've gotten to know her recently. I kind of wish I'd started hanging out with her sooner, since we are so much alike. She has the same type of drive and determination to work that I do. But am I a bad person for being happy she didn't go to SDS? Cause I don't know if I would have liked the competition.

But I think getting to know Emily might be the first step in branching out socially. I've spent so much time doing work that I've become a bit of a loner. Which is nice to an extent, since I don't really open up much to people. Maybe, though, it would be a good idea to be more social this year...as long as it doesn't interfere with all the things already in my schedule. This could be the start of a whole new Shannon!

...

Maybe not. But maybe I can start having a little more fun as well as get my work done. I can do both. Right?

As for my parents' divorce? I don't want to talk about it.		  
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11:42am 29/06/2006
  Life is pretty ordinary for the Kilbournes. Both Mom and Dad seem a lot more normal after the divorce, although things aren't perfect yet. Tiffany seems to be escaping Dad's visits a lot lately, which is going to land her into a ton of trouble if she keeps doing it.

I'm really trying not to be antisocial, and I guess it's showing. I've talked a little to Emily Berstein, and she seems nice. Anna didn't show up to the Wednesday yoga class though, which is kinda weird. I'll have to contact her.		  
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10:02pm 22/05/2006
  I didn't make it to Erica's afterparty, since I had to finish up my last paper for AP English, plus my parents have been fighting lately. I just didn't feel like being around drunk and fighting people would've been very fun. Instead, I invited Greer to my house for a sleepover, and we watched those VH1 list shows. (You know, the Most Metal Moments and stuff like that) Hopefully Anna didn't mind too much that I didn't go. I'm sure she had a great time with Pete anyhow.  
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09:17pm 28/04/2006
  Dad moved out of the house - I have no idea how they bargained that, seeing as the house is gigantic. Then again, Dad's living by himself, while there's still four of us here. It hasn't been fun listening to them fight about who gets what, and the interesting thing is, they're allowing us to decide which parent we want to stay with. I haven't completely decided yet, honestly.

SHS is having their prom pretty soon, and even though I didn't get invited, me and Greer are going to Erica Blumberg's afterparty. I haven't been able to see the BSC girls since we got back from CA, and it'd be good to catch up with them.

Anna confided in me that Pete Black asked her to prom. It didn't surprise me, seeing as he was giving her puppy dog eyes the whole time we were there. She needs to be more confident of herself, Pete wouldn't be asking her out if she wasn't a great person.		  
     
 
   
10:22am 09/03/2006
  So Mom and Dad are getting divorced. I can't say it was a complete surprise, but it was still a nasty shock. Tiffany and Maria, who had just been fighting like cats and dogs before then, were up in their room, crying together. I guess it's harder for them to understand and accept it, since they couldn't see how bad things were going three years ago.

I guess I have more in common with Stacey, Dawn, and Kristy now, even though most of their parents got remarried. I'm just glad both my parents are staying in Stoneybrook, so that it won't be hard for the three of us to go see Dad during visitations. I just hope things will slowly get less chaotic in the family, though I'm sure Tiff and Maria will get back to their usual arguing by the weekend. Maybe I should bombard Anna with another pity party on top of Abby's.		  
     
 
 
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